It’s not often that we give shout-outs to other websites, but we’ve simply got to do it for this one: AdiosBarbie.com. It’s a site for women of all body types who want to love their bodies and thumb their noses at the “size zero is beautiful” obsessions of pop culture. Created by editors Ophira Edut and Pia Guerrero, who collaborated on the book Body Outlaws: Young Women Write About Body Image and Identity, the site is all about healthy body image, debunking disrespectful and objectifying media images of women, and promoting community and sharing of personal stories about dealing with everything from self-esteem issues to eating disorders.
We love the message and spirit of this site. After all, in The Beauty Prescription, we devoted part of a chapter to talking about the negative power of Barbie to foster realistic stereotypes of women. Basically, a team of Canadian researchers applied Barbie’s proportions to a real woman and determined that if she was flesh, Barbie would have a colon so small that she would die of malnutrition. So much for Ken, Skipper, that cool Corvette and all the other accessories. They don’t help much if you’re so thin you’re dead.
That’s the importance of websites like Adios Barbie. They seed the soil of our popular mindset with the idea that it’s good to be different, confident and daring—and bad to obsess over every single ounce while despising your reflection in the mirror. Part magazine, part blog, part social network, part store and all saucy resource, this is a web resource that we can’t recommend too highly.
She’s the toast of the country and the object of admiration of millions of women, African-American and otherwise. She’s the new First Lady, Michelle Obama. Already, the nation is dissecting and obsessing over her appearance and fashion sense; her hair stylist, Johnny Wright, already has a development deal for his own reality show. Clearly, we’re on the cusp of a new era not only in style but in the concept of female beauty in this country.
We say that because for the first time, we have a black first lady, a fact which puts African-American features, hair and style front and center. For most of the past century, for mainstream America, female beauty has equated to a certain set of characteristics: Caucasian, tall, model-thin, large-busted, and charming. Intellect wasn’t really a requirement, and certainly African-American women—even stunning ones like Beyonce or Halle Berry—were sort of on the periphery. But now we have a woman at the crux of American social and political life who’s not only black, but curvaceous, strong-boned, educated, brilliant (she’s a Harvard Law grad and an author in her own right) and clearly just as strong as her husband. It appears that we’ve finally left the “delicate flower” image created by Jackie Kennedy in the past.
This was a process started by Hillary Clinton, who also refused to smile in the background when her husband was president, and caught heat for it. But she began the process of making the powerful, accomplished, highly intelligent woman into an icon of style, confidence and beauty. Michelle Obama is taking the baton that the new Secretary of State handed her, and she seems to be gaining speed. What does this mean for the American perception of beauty? For one thing, it means that for millions of African-American women, their form of physical loveliness will be more regularly in view. This may mean that the unique qualities of African-American hair (though Michelle currently wears her hair straightened, and it remains to be seen if she’ll allow it to become more “ethnic” as time goes on), complexion and body will hopefully become more a part of our lexicon of what is beautiful.
It also may mean that African cultural style, including traditonal clothing, may become something more than a curiosity but more part of mainstream fashion. The Obamas are already talking about adding art to the White House that reflects the African-American experience; can it be too long before the First Lady shows up to a state dinner wearing a kitenge (a Kenyan traditional sarong-like dress)? We think this is all incredibly healthy for our national Inner Beauty for several reasons:
At the simplest level, a generation of African-American women and girls are going to see themselves reflected in the nation’s most visible woman and enjoy having their own physicality and style widely regarded as beautiful, a boost for self-esteem.
As more Americans open their minds to the new ideas of beauty embodied in Michelle Obama’s charisma, strength and intelligence, we begin to see beauty in new areas and new people. And as we have said before, seeing beauty throughout life is a hallmark of Inner Beauty.
The greater tolerance of difference that we hope will come from having a black President and First Lady should make us all more loving and understanding of the differences between us.
Many pundits have already remarked on the ways in which the Obama presidency represents a watershed moment for the nation. Allow us to call Michelle Obama what we believe she is: the symbol and embodiment of a new era of more inclusive beauty for everyone.
A few weeks back, we blogged about a new reality show, “True Beauty,” premiering this year on ABC. Supposedly, the show would feature the usual collection of contestants who, while they thought they were being judged on their external good looks, were actually being judged on their “inner beauty.” Well, we’ve seen the premiere episode and it wasn’t exactly what we were hoping for. We applaud the producers, including Tyra Banks, for bringing the issue of inner beauty to the fore, but we had something different in mind. And since we try to be positive on this blog, we’re going to offer our constructive criticisms on how “True Beauty” could become a truer test of bona fide Inner Beauty.
Make the setting more natural. Right now, the show’s setup is pretty typical: take a bunch of people, stick them in a house, and let personal conflict erupt. Instead, we’d love to see the show be more natural and unforced. Follow the contestants around in their personal lives with hidden cameras and audio to see how they interact with others. Inner beauty is about self-esteem and seeing the beauty in other people and the world around you. Do the contestants treat themselves well or engage in damaging self-talk? Do they treat others with compassion and respect? Do they maintain a positive frame of mind? Those are questions you can’t answer in an artificial setting.
Expand the palette of people. This might not be able to happen until next season, but we’d love to see people who aren’t all great looking be on the show. The contestants right now are all varying degrees of gorgeous, and that doesn’t reflect reality. It sends the message that inner beauty only matters if you also have outer beauty, and that’s not a healthy message to send. Add a plus-sized woman, a geekier guy and maybe even a disabled man or woman to the cast next year and we think viewers will relate much better.
Take more time. The first contestant was expelled from the program after one week and after one not-so-beautiful act (failing to hold a door for someone). Even though it follows the the “Survivor” format of “knock ‘em down one at a time,” that doesn’t seem fair. Inner beauty is a matter of thoughts, attitudes and actions over a long period, not one isolated incident. Heck, even the most inwardly gorgeous of us is inconsiderate or mean-spirited from time to time. Again, we know this violates the “who’s going to be booted next” ethos of reality TV, but it would give each person a fairer shake.
We’re not TV producers, and we haven’t thought these ideas through completely, but we think that in general the result would be a “True Beauty” that was more true to its name: a test of the genuine inner beauty of a group of people. It would also send a more positive message to the audience: that real inner beauty is its own reward, even if you don’t win a spot on People’s Most Beautiful list.
Let’s face it, the holiday season is unkind to beauty. In almost any part of the country the weather is, well, frightful, which makes skin dry and red and makes us more likely to come down with a cold or flu (interesting note: it’s actually been scientifically proven that cold viruses spread more easily in cold, dry weather). Holiday parties and big family dinners mean tempting calories that can undermine months’ worth of hard work at the gym, in the pool or at the yoga studio. And of course, the travel, relatives coming and going, fighting for the last Elmo toy and worrying about spending during a troubled economy can mean a month’s worth of stress that can cause skin breakouts, suppress the immune system and wreck sleep, leaving us with dark circles under our eyes and a generally non-cheery disposition.
Call it “Bah Humbug Beauty Syndrome.” It’s what can make us, at a time of the year when we’re supposed to be taking joy in family, friends, winter’s beauty and festivity, feel and look less than our best. We just don’t think that’s fair, so we’re here with some suggestions. Not so much for your waistline or your skin; those are easy to find from many sources. You know the usual advice: skip the potluck meals, eat light, drink in moderation, keep working out, moisturize, and so on. No, our advice relates more to the stress component of the holiday season, the part that sometimes keeps us from seeing the beauty around us because we’re so busy trying to keep up with what the holidays are supposed to be.
Well, as we point out in The Beauty Prescription, part of being beautiful is seeing and appreciating beauty in others and having the air of joy and peace that comes with that beauty. So some of the best beauty advice these two docs can provide is medicine that you make yourself with your mind, eyes and heart:
Stop during your running and look around. See the decorations, the people dressed for the holidays, the delight on childrens’ faces. Listen to the music and carols. Appreciate it for what it means: everyone coming together to celebrate life, regardless of their religious beliefs.
Quit trying to find the perfect gift for certain people and focus on something meaningful to the values of each person on your list.
Spend more time on the simple, healing aspects of the holidays: songs, tree decorating, deep conversations with family. Slow down.
Think back on the blessings of the last year and take time to really appreciate and find the meaning in each one. You might find you have more to be thankful for than you realized.
Do something kind for someone else, whether it’s serving food at a soup kitchen or donating canned goods to charity. It feels wonderful.
Yes, you should take care of your skin, eat right and all the rest. But true beauty comes from within, and if you live in a frigid climate nobody can see your perfect complexion under all those layers of outerwear anyway. But a beautiful disposition always shines through.
Julia Roberts’ smile. Tina Turner’s legs. Jennifer Lopez’s backside. Yes, these are all beautiful, striking women but they are as well known for one spectacular feature as they are for their overall looks and magnetism. And that’s what we want to talk about: our theory that focusing on bringing out that one feature of your beauty that is truly exceptional—even if you feel that the rest of the package is quite ordinary—is a marvelous way to make yourself look gorgeous to others and feel more beautiful inside. We call it the Single Feature Effect (if you’re not old enough to remember the days of the “double feature” at movie theaters, you’ll have to trust us).
Remember, in our book, The Beauty Prescription, we talk about the idea that you are 20% more beautiful to others than you appear to yourself in the mirror. That’s because people don’t judge you as harshly as you judge yourself and because when you look in the mirror you don’t see your wit, confidence, style or sexuality. The Single Feature Effect upends the traditional concept of beauty in the same way. It says, so what if you’re not perfect in every way? Most of us aren’t close to the physical ideal. But everyone has at least one aspect of their physical appearance that’s show-stopping. It might be your eyes. It might be your hands. It might be your hair. We say, play that feature up! Make it as great as it can be so that people comment on it, and the “halo effect” given off by your best feature will shine on the rest of you, enhancing your perceived beauty.
Here’s an example from our friend and sometime collaborator Tim Vandehey: “I was at the gym and noticed this woman doing aerobics. She wasn’t especially pretty in the face, was in good shape, but something about her kept drawing my eye. Then I realized it was her skin. She was probably about 35 but her skin was flawless. She was very fair—red hair, classic Irish coloring—but her skin was like a child’s, like perfect porcelain. Something about that was very alluring and appealing.” It made her much more attractive than she might otherwise have been.”
That is what the Single Feature effect is about. One feature that captures the imagination of other peopel so that everything else about you is more enchanting. We love it because it reduces some of the pressure to have the perfect derriere, the perfect nose and hands like something out of a Dove commercial. Instead, you can take care of your fitness and health like you should, attend to your personal style as best you can, but concentrate on making your best feature better and letting that rising tide life your personal boat. We think it’s a holistic, healthy way to look at beauty…and we’d love to know what you think about it.
Now this is interesting. An upcoming new ABC TV show being co-produced by Tyra Banks and Ashton Kutcher called “True Beauty” turns the tired reality show cliche of “who’s hotter?” on its head in a way that we beauty docs can’t help but find intriguing. The show was unveiled recently after six months of secrecy. Read on:
Hosted and judged by TV personality Vanessa Minnillo, along with supermodel Cheryl Tiegs and Nolé Marin of “America’s Next Top Model,” the series will spotlight six females and four males who will live together as they undergo a series of challenges to determine who is the most beautiful. While the contestants think they are being judged solely on their outer appearance, the challenges are actually designed to test their inner beauty. At the end of eight episodes, a winner who is the most beautiful inside and out will receive a cash prize and a spot in People magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful People issue.
Perhaps the format is a little bit deceptive, but what a fascinating and challenging idea! Details aren’t 100% clear, but it looks like the contestants will be videotaped dealing with stressful or morally challenging situations and rated not on their physical appearance, but on their character. Participants won’t know about the actual judging criteria until they are eliminated. This suggests that the “most manipulative, scheming person wins” model that has dominated everything from “The Apprentice” to “Survivor” won’t be in play here. Instead, losing contestants are likely to see an ugly side of themselves.
One of the reasons we find this so interesting is this: in the same way that outer beauty is different for everyone (for example, some people find tall, curvy women irresistible while others prefer small and petite) the concept of inner beauty is difficult to define. So what qualities should the judges rate in determining who has the greatest inner beauty? We have some suggestions:
Kindness to others
Coolness of temper under stress
Honesty
Generosity
Willingness to listen
Authenticity (being a real person rather than a self-created TV persona)
Optimism
Emotional maturity
Odds are, a man or woman with all or most of these qualities is someone that any of us would want as a friend, colleague, partner or mentor. It will be fascinating to see if the producers of “True Beauty” can really focus on emphasizing what true beauty means, instead of focusing on “gotcha” moments that show people at their ugliest. Aside from bringing a breath of fresh air to a withering TV genre, that would also bring to light the genuine qualities of attractiveness and magnetism that we talk about. We’ll be tuning in…or at least running the Tivo.
Inner beauty is a major focus of what we do in both our medical practices. For a psychiatrist, that’s obvious: so much of the work is directed at helping patients discover ways to cope with life’s problems and to bring out the strength and self-esteem that lies at the core of inner beauty. It’s less obvious for a dermatologist, but equally valid. Yes, that area of medicine is about the outer beauty of the skin, but often concerns about what’s outside mask issues about the inner self: a crisis of confidence, fears about aging or a troubled relationship, worries about body image or social conformity. In any case, it’s very difficult to help a person become truly beautiful if you are only addressing the problems on the exterior.
That’s why we particularly love this poem from writer Sam Levenson, which reflects the essence of what we talk about when we mention Inner Beauty—that true beauty stems from seeing beauty around you, reaching out to others, and having a restorative, healing, loving attitude toward life. The poem:
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
In our book, The Beauty Prescription, we talk extensively about something we call “Beauty 911.” It means that when life knocks you flat with a tragedy or a bad turn of events, it’s important to devote a little of your time and strength to letting yourself be beautiful—to taking care of yourself. This may seem trivial when faced with something like the collapse of a relationship, a financial catastrophe or a frightening health problem, but who made the rule that hard times were supposed to be endured with stone-faced stoicism? What’s wrong with breaking the tension by spending an hour getting your hair blown out, buying a great pair of shoes or laughing with a friend until you feel nauseous? Nothing, we say. In fact, giving yourself permission to care about your inner and outer beauty during a period of great stress is probably one of the healthiest coping mechanisms we’ve ever heard of.
It’s all about control. We live with a tentative, fragile illusion that we’re in control of our lives, but we’re really not. Most of life is a roll of the dice. We can’t control the stock market, the actions of other people, the weather or the DNA in our cells. So when something happens that shatters our neat, controlled bubble, it’s devastating. We feel like we’re floating without moorings, utterly vulnerable and alone. In fact, it’s important to remember that while we may cherish the idea that we control the outcome of each day, there are only two things we can control: how we prepare for what happens and how we respond to what happens. When something destroys your sense of peace and predictability, it’s essential that you regain some small bit of control that you can hold onto. Focusing on your beauty gives you a little of your control back.
Let’s face it, even if you’re diagnosed with cancer and facing rough treatments, you’re still the one in control of what you eat, how you dress and how you look. No one else can make those decisions for you. Even if your home is foreclosed upon, you can still get your nails done and make sure your makeup looks perfect. You can and should take time to meditate, work out, moisturize, and do whatever you must to look and feel as good as you can. Beauty is a pillar anchored in bedrock that you can cling to when everything else seems to be pitching in the wind. You say, “Well, at least I know I look great!” It’s not a solution to your problems, but it’s something that can help you make it through the day…and some days, that’s all you really hope for, isn’t it?
Trauma also tests our inner beauty. It’s easy to blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault and to wallow in guilt. This can cause self-esteem to take a dive and pull you into a dangerous downward spiral. It’s just as vital to tend your inner beauty: spend time with a Beauty Buddy, be with friends, talk with a therapist. Find ways to become more objective about what’s going on and you’re likely to find that, even if you share some responsibility for what’s gone wrong, it’s not all your fault.
Beauty treatments are great for boosting your inner beauty and are also wonderful antidotes for the harmful effects of the stress hormones that flood our bodies during times of trauma. Just having your toes done and being around other women in a supportive setting releases oxytocin, creating feelings of warmth and bonding. And what could be better than a massage to knead away the tightness and exhaustion that come with life’s trials? We know women who have gotten cosmetic treatments right before therapy for cancer, because knowing they looked their best was part of their act of “girding for battle,” going into the fight with guns blazing. More power to them. Confidence, self-esteem and inner peace are critical if you’re going to make it through life’s tsunamis. Beauty 911 is something none of us should be afraid of dialing.
Here’s a shocking revelation: men like physically beautiful women. And if reinforcing one stereotype isn’t enough for you, here’s another: apparently, women are attracted to wealth. So says Indiana University cognitive scientist Peter Todd and colleagues from Germany, England and Scotland, who used a speed dating session in Germany to compare what men and women said they wanted in a mate with whom they actually chose. The results of the study will be published shortly in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
Now, we’re not sure how scientific speed dating—where people have “mini dates” of 3 to 5 minutes with as many as 30 other singles—really is, and the sample size of only 46 people isn’t exactly conclusive, but the results are certainly in line with what we’ve said in our book, The Beauty Prescription. The researchers say that when they were surveyed before the speed dating, participants gave socially acceptable answers to what they wanted in a significant other—intellect, sense of humor, and so on. But when it came to selecting people in a face-to-face setting, the men went for physical attractiveness most often, and the women were drawn to material wealth and security.
This isn’t surprising to us. We’ve written about it, and the results of this study are in line with the predictions of evolutionary psychology, which say that based on our desire for survival, ancient men were attracted to clear skin, glossy hair and physical symmetry because women with those features were more likely to be healthy and thus more successfully bear lots of children. As for the women, who were physically weaker, they were drawn to men with a greater ability to provide, protect and provide security for the family. As Todd said, ancient males and females who chose mates in this way would have had a better chance of producing lots of offspring, giving them an evolutionary advantage.
Reductive? Sure, but it illustrates that at first glance, we’re still driven by our sense of innate beauty, that hard-wired ideal that’s a product of millennia of evolution. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s part of who and what we are as men and women. But the limit of studies like this is that we should take them at face value and no more, because they don’t measure the other aspect our beauty sense, evolving beauty. Speed dating is about instant impressions, and when we have nothing else to go on, it makes sense to choose the guy with the $3,000 Rolex or the woman with the great cheekbones and dazzling smile. What this study doesn’t do is follow up to see what happened after these men and women spent more time together, after they got to know each other and saw the more subtle aspects of each other’s beauty: wit, spirituality, sex appeal, physical surroundings, relationships, career and so on. Time changes how we perceive beauty, which is why women who are not supermodels usually find their own Prince Charmings. Once we start to see the entire person, not just the facsimile that we see in 3 to 5 minutes, we find that beauty exists at many subtle, intriguing levels, inside and out.
Something to be aware of if you ever decide to speed date. For our part, we’ll stick to the slow version.
We’re always on the lookout for interesting stories about the way that beauty, both inner and outer, impacts our lives, and boy did we find one recently. Seems that in Blackburn, England, there’s a place called the Evolve center where stabilized drug and alcohol addicts practice “beauty therapy” on each other. Basically, they give each other haircuts, massages and manicures under the supervision of a community support worker who has had training in “beauty therapy.” Finally, after years of us telling everyone how therapeutic a trip to the salon could be, someone comes up with a formal program and certification confirming it!
You can read more about this rather unique program here, but we’re less concerned with the novelty of it as we are with what such a thing says about our need to feel beautiful and help others feel the same way. Sure, there’s value in having recovering substance abusers do anything productive, but why not have them cleaning up trash on the side of the road, or helping out in a soup kitchen? Why beauty? As we’ve written in our book, feeling beautiful is fundamental to our sense of self-esteem, so much so that when we feel unkempt and unattractive, it exacerbates any feelings we have of being out of control and isolated. That’s why one of the most morale-boosting things that can be done for long-term hospital patients is to give them a shave, haircut or manicure. We feel better about ourselves and our ability to deal with adversity when we know we look our best.
This effect isn’t limited to the grim outer limits of substance abuse and addiction. We’ve done it; gotten dolled up when we knew we were going to give birth to our children. It’s not hard to find women who have gotten waxed or had their hair done the day before going in for a scheduled Cesearian section. Why bother when your baby, not you, is the star of the show? Because it feels good to look good. It makes us feel less like a patient and more like a person.
This dovetails perfectly with the concept of “Beauty 911″ that we talked about in our book. The idea is that during traumatic or stressful periods in our lives—illness, divorce, financial hardships—it’s especially important to take steps to look and feel beautiful because the simple act of caring for one’s beauty and health serves as a reminder that we’re still here. We’re still vital and one day, things will get better. Under such circumstances, beauty becomes much more important than it is when everything’s coming up roses in life—it becomes a kind of lifeline that affirms the belief that things can improve and addiction can be overcome. For the women in this program, who are passing through one of the darkest phases a person can experience, beauty treatments are a small reminder that recovery is possible.
So for these women battling drug and alcohol habits, the appeal of getting beautiful is simple: it’s an act of recapturing part of a normal life, an affirmation. When you can spend your time getting a great highlight job or having your cuticles trimmed, that implies that you’re NOT spending your time staring into a liquor bottle or finding ways to score prescription meds. It says, “I’m back.” Beauty, perhaps more than anything else we can do for ourselves, helps us define who we are. That’s why we treat it with such respect.
